Playground Fun

Today, I felt something I haven't felt in a long time. It was a feeling of childhood, of freedom. It made me realize how much I miss the days of complete innocence. You know, when your biggest worry was being the most popular kid on the playground and you didn't have to worry about money and school was your job. Now, there's so many responsibilities to stress over.

Anyway, today I took an hour out of my time and visited a park near my house. I played in the sand, slid down slides, did cartwheels in the grass and swung on baby swings. It may sound immature but I haven't had fun like that in a long time. Sure, hanging out with friends, playing Wii and watching discovery channel is cool but this was a different kind of fun. It was the kind where you didn't care if you learned something and there's no win or lose. It's a feeling of letting go and not caring if people look at you funny or laugh when they watch you, an 18-year-old, acting like a four year old.

It's always fun when you get a little taste of something you once loved.

It's like putting on that old, worn-in pair of jeans in the back of your closet and realizing how well they fit. (:

Relationships...

This morning I woke up two hours earlier than necessary. After getting up to get a glass of water, I couldn't fall asleep. So, I just laid there staring at my ceiling and letting my mind wonder. It's kind of crazy what you'll think about when you have complete silence and darkness.

Over the last two hours, I think I have gone over every relationship I've ever had that lasted more than two weeks.

I thought about why some succeeded while others failed; why I pushed away almost any guy that was remotely good to me for guys that were clearly wrong.

I wondered why I eased away from certain people away even though they were potentially everything I could have ever wanted while I held onto relationships and people who clearly didn't fit.

I wondered if certain people would ever give me another chance even though I either messed up or blew off my first, second and third chances.

I wondered why I tried so hard to make it work with certain people while I let other people slip away while they were struggling to hold on.

I wondered why I went back to certain people, why I would still go back to others and why there are some I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole. 

I wondered what I was thinking when I went back to the certain person over and over again even though it yielded the same result every time.

I wondered if I would ever be forgiven for certain actions.. or if I would ever forgive certain actions. 

I asked myself multiple times why I let one mistake hover over me like a rain cloud... why I let it haunt me even though it happened years ago.

I asked myself why I ended things certain ways and why I let it end so horribly with one person in particular.

I thought about new people coming into my life and where I see it going. I thought about how I pictured these relationships ending.. which I guess really isn't the best place to start but I'm usually right about these things.

It was a very intuitive two hours.

The strangest part about the whole thing is who I thought of the most while thinking about the past year or two. It was completely unexpected but not completely irrational. This is the first person I contemplated telling my biggest secret to even though I only knew him through other people for the longest time and even though it was our second date.. if you want to call it a date. I remember standing with him in a random subdivision. I stole his cell phone and stuck it down my shirt sleeve. What I recall most clear was the fact that he just asked for it politely. He didn't fight to retrieve it at all. It made me feel so comfortable. It makes me wonder what would have happened if I handled things differently... If I didn't blow him off.

I'm not sure if I'll act upon all the things I thought about this morning, tying up loose ends, or if I'll just let it all just rest in my mind and let it all go.